Quotes and Sayings


I’ve been collecting quotes and sayings, humorous and otherwise, from the internet, newsgroups, books and elsewhere, for over 15 years now. Heres the bulk of them…

Quotes and Sayings
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A careless pyromaniac made an ash of himself.
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history–with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do something.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, ‘How much for a beer?’ The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge.’
A note left for a pianist from his wife: ‘Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.’
A peanut walks into a bar and was a salted.
A penny saved is just ridiculous.
A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist. Where does that leave us cynics?
A place where life has no value but death sometimes has a price.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
A sufficient degree of incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
A thought for the day is more than most people can handle.
A thousand monkeys pounding on a thousand PC’s will eventually produce either the bible, or a system error.
A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add to your daily duties.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
After living for some 30 years all I know, is anything that doesn’t kill you only makes you keep trying.
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F !
Ah, yes, divorce…….from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
All stressed out and no-one to choke.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Am I good at cooking? Dinner’s ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say ‘elevator’, we say ‘lift’ … they say ‘President’, we say ‘stupid psychopathic git’.
Americans pay their checks with bills, whereas the English pay their bills with cheques.
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
An opportunity is meaningless if nothing is done with it.
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
And all I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by. – Though a cloaking device, pulsed phaser cannons and a full load of quantum torpedoes would be quite nice too.
Anger is the great undoer. It pushes us to heights from which we’d rather not fall.
Any man can father.. it takes a REAL man to be a DAD.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up smart?
Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names.
Artificial intelligence is always better than real stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As they say at Microsoft – ‘What do you want to reinstall today?’
As you become a more powerful and subtle programmer, your errors, too, will become more powerful and subtle.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens he is carrying.
Aw c’mon, when have i let you down…this week?
Backup not found. A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat (Y/N)?
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer math is 6 hours times 3 men equals 4 cases.
Beer…The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
Before landing on an alien world, ALWAYS find out which sex is the female.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Behaviour is how you act when everyone is watching. Character is how you act when *no one* is watching.
Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought the fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Better to regret the things you do than the things you don’t.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy could be considered in the same way.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Bolub’s Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Bradley’s Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted…Cereal port not responding.
Brook’s Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
By doing just a little everyday, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Caution: Always engage brain before operating mouth.
Chaos will reign over order – it’s easier to implement!
Choice has always been a privilege for those who can afford to pay for it.
Choosing between two evils is still choosing evil.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.
Computer games don’t affect kids; If Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d be running round darkened rooms, munching magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE = C:\EXOR.SYS.
Computers are like air conditioners: They stop working when you open Windows.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
Confucius say: ‘Better to be pissed off than pissed on.’
Confucius say: ‘Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.’
Confucius say: ‘Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.’
Confucius say: ‘Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.’
Confucius say: ‘Girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.’
Confucius say: ‘Girl who sits on Judge’s lap gets honourable discharge.’
Confucius say: ‘He who fishes in others’ holes often catch crabs.’
Confucius say: ‘He who run’s behind bus get exhausted.’
Confucius say: ‘If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.’
Confucius say: ‘Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who keeps feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who leaps off cliff jump to conclusion.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who run in front of car get tired.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who sit on tack get point.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who walk through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.’
Confucius say: ‘Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.’
Confucius say: ‘Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.’
Confucius say: ‘Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.’
Confucius say: ‘Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.’
Confucius say: ‘People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.’
Confucius say: ‘Squirrel who run up woman’s leg not find nuts.’
Confucius say: ‘War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.’
Connection error: insufficient breasts. This has caused an unexpected deflation of the apparatus.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Criminal lie ability determines a detective’s worth.
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.
Damage report? You don’t want to know.
Dammit I told you we should have wiped the damn things out when we got here, but noooo, SOMEBODY wanted to study humans in their natural habitat!
Darling, I want to tell the world about our love! – Certainly the neighbours have heard…
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Deja Moo: The feeling you’ve heard this bull before.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist? Spent many a sleepless night wondering if there really was a dog.
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do not adjust your mind – the fault is with reality.
Do not mistake an intelligent argument for a correct argument.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Do we want to live in a society where money rules, and rules don’t matter?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never come.
Don’t be a hero! Its not covered by the health plan!
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning–sleep until noon.
Don’t let your mind wander, its too small to be out on its own.
Don’t take life so seriously, it’s not permanent.
Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
DOS is the greatest computer virus ever written.
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get you thrown in jail if you really tried them.
Drive defensively – buy a tank.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Earth…the insane asylum for the universe.
Education should not be mistaken as a substitute for intelligence.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Error 649: The remote computer just can’t be bothered to serve you any pages at the moment.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn’t.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Everyone has the power to make others happy. Some do it by entering the room, others by leaving it.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
Everything is dangerous if you look at it with enough paranoia.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
For 93 million miles, there is nothing between the sun and my shadow except me. I’m always getting in the way of something…
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
For those that believe, no explanation is necessary…for those that don’t, none will suffice.
Forgive me if I can’t give you the answers today, I don’t have all the answers, and the answers I do have may be different tomorrow.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Girl power is fine – But who do you call when a fuse blows?
Give a man a beer he wastes an hour…Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.
God created man first because a masterpiece always needs a rough copy.
God didn’t create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Governments tend to use statistics much as a drunk might use a street lamp – more for support than illumination.
Greetings intergalactic traveller. As long as you’re not here to enslave our people or defile our cattle, help yourself to the free coffee and donuts!
Guy’s have feelings to, but like…who cares?
Half the people you know are below average.
HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Happily ever after is NOT an option.
Hard work never killed any none, but why give it a chance?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
He couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to him.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who lives by the sword gets shot by those who don’t.
He wondered why the boomerang kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned.
Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hey man, that god complex is showing again.
Hey, if the bomb dropped tomorrow, anyone not wearing factor 5,000 is going to have a really shitty day.
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and the others got away with minor injuries.
Hiroshima ’45 Chernobyl ’86 Windows ’95.
History is written by the winners and is only Rewritten by the Conquerors.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak!
How do you measure one life against a thousand? If each life is priceless are both not then worth as much?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How fast would lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, we’ll fix it in software.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, we’ll document it in the manual.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? None, the user can work it out.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL.
Humanity: When the universe absolutely, positively needs to be messed up overnight!
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am functioning on the principle: Better a smartass than a dumbass…
‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
I can read your mind… and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t come here to be abused. Where do you usually go then?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I do not know about you, but I don’t like things moving higher up the food chain than me.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I hate failure when there’s no one else to blame it on.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good!
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.
I love the swooshing sound deadlines make as they go by.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Butt Heads!
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
I still say genetics is stronger than will, and blood is thicker than altruism.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
I used to get high on life, but lately I’ve built up a resistance.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Uncle Bob. Not screaming in terror like his passengers…
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
I wish I were a Glow Worm, A Glow Worm’s never glum. How can you be unhappy when the sun shines out yer bum?
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate.
If a cat joined the Red Cross, would it become a First-Aid Kit?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man has fantastic shoes he’s either gay or married – so don’t touch. It’s really that simple.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ‘con’ is the opposite of ‘pro’, then what is the opposite of progress?
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If E=MC^2, then I’m not fat! I’m energetic!
If ‘every day is a gift’, did you keep the receipt as this one doesn’t fit?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would the company be called Fed UP?
If god had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
If idiot’s could fly… This place would be an airport…
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
If it’s tourist season why can’t we shoot them?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If time heals all wounds, how come your belly button remains the same?
If trains stop at train stations, what happens at workstations?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If you can lead it to water, and can make it drink – then it isn’t a horse.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you give up drugs, alcohol and sex you don’t actually live longer….it just seems longer.
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you meet someone without a smile…….give them yours.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
If you put garbage in a computer you get garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think no-one cares about you try missing some bank payments.
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I’m fluent in 3 languages: English, Sarcasm and Profanity.
I’m multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I’m not conceited. Conceit is a fault. I have no faults.
I’m not normally a sadistic person, but I’ve just been in that kind of mood lately.
I’m not saying that everyone is stupid, but lets take safety labels off stuff and let the problem solve itself.
I’m not suffering from insanity. I’m enjoying every moment of it!
I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying, ‘No Hard Feelings.’
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.
In the event of a miracle, mortals are expected to provide their own insurance.
In the event that all else has failed, and it seems tempting to actually read the instructions, don’t panic: Get a bigger hammer!
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened.
Intelligence is useless unless it goes hand in hand with common sense.
Is a booby trap only dangerous for women?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?’
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is through the beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, hands acquire shakes, shakes become a warning.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.
It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
It said, ‘Insert disk #3,’ but only two will fit!
It’s a shame that we live in a society where pizza can be delivered to your house more quickly than an ambulance.
It’s amazing how nice people are to you when they know you’re going away.
It’s called Irony. You know. Like goldy or silvery, only it’s made out of iron.
It’s Not Fair! – You say that so often, I wonder what’s your basis for comparison?
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
It’s not that I dislike the ‘Divide and Conquer’ bit, but it’s the ‘Ruling With an Iron Fist’ part I really enjoy.
I’ve got two modes with people – bite and avoid.
Jazz is what you get when you push a blues quartet down a long flight of stairs.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Keep grandma off the streets – legalize bingo.
Keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your eye on the ball, and your ear to the ground; then see how much work you get done in that position.
Keyboard error – press any key to continue…
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Law and Order do not always mean Peace and Justice.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Life is a comedy to those who think, A tragedy to those who feel.
Life is a terminal condition!
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Life’s a journey, Enjoy the ride – Watch out for the Bumps.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Looking for enlightenment is like trying to find a flashlight – when all you need to find the flashlight is the flashlight.
Lord, you know I don’t pray a lot. But my mom does, and I’d sure hate for You to disappoint her…
Love conquers all, unless of course you’re playing tennis.
Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.
M$’s declared strategy: ’embrace (steal ideas), extend (make M$ software incompatible) and assimilate (bankrupt competitors)’.
Mad Scientists of America Local 357: Building the future, one hideously deformed mutant at a time!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Make like a post-it note and stick around…
Man is the only species on the face of the earth that will work so hard to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Maybe the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence because that is where the leaky septic tank is buried.
McAfee VirusScan 3.7: Windows found: Remove it (Y/N)?
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering: Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. I’m trying to lead mine a little louder.
Movies don’t create psychos, movies make psychos Like ME more creative!
My best moments are when I am asleep. The nightmare starts when I awake.
My concern for your problem can be counted in microgivashits.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
My mother is a travel guide for guilt trips.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My spelling has gone awry, must upgrade to Fingers 8.2.
Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Never dive into deep concrete.
Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking thing.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Never stifle initiative…unless it costs money.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Projects; The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
No one can hear you scream on the Net! Especially if you are using Creative sound drivers!
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
No one is listening until you fart.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done
Nothing needs reforming as much as other people’s habits
Notice: The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
Odds mean nothing when humans want something bad enough!
Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.
Okay, who put a ‘stop payment’ on my reality check?
Old age and guile will always beat youth and skill.
On time, on budget, working. Pick any 2 out of the three.
Once again, villainy is rotting meat before the maggots of justice!
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Oops? What do you mean Oops?! We’re trying to prevent the extinction of the species here! Don’t tell me oops!
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend, inside of a dog its too dark to read.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Parkinson’s Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
PEBKAC problem. That’s pronounced PEB-KAC – Problem Exist between Keyboard and Chair
Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.
People are not born bastards – they have to work on it.
People who do the world’s real work don’t usually wear neckties.
People who say that they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.
Perhaps we should lower our mental trousers and compare the size of our consciousness’?
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN…Cops have nothing to go on.
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is not always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
Politicians are like nappies, they need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.
Polynesia — memory loss in parrots.
Procrastinate…Now.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
Reality is for those who can’t cope with Science Fiction.
Reality needs fantasy to render it desirable, just as fantasy needs reality to make it believable.
REALITY.EXE corrupt. Reboot universe (Y/N)?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.
Rehab…Is for Quitters.
Remember my name…You’ll be screaming it later.
Resentment is like swallowing poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Rimmer: Look, I think we’ve all got something to bring to this conversation, but I think that from now on what you should bring is silence.
Rule 1: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule 2: Everything is small stuff.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Sceptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense.
Sects, Sects, Sects! Is that all Monks ever think about?
Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Sex is not the answer, sex is the question. The answer is usually no.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Social engineering, because there is no patch for human stupidity.
Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
Some days you are the bug … some days you are the windshield.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge…I think you barely gargled.
Some people still haven’t worked out that you can catch more butterflies with honey than vinegar.
Some people’s minds are like cement: all mixed up and permanently set…
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.
Sometimes carbon is diamonds and sometimes it’s coal.
Sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses, sometimes you have to stop and plant them.
Sorry if I look interested. I’m not.
Spark’s Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a question, look at him as if he is mad. When he looks down, paraphrase the question.
Steinbach’s Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
STOP THE HATRED: End lactose intolerance!
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Support local search and rescue; GET LOST!!!
Survival of the fittest yes, but part of being fit is realizing the value of others besides yourself.
System error 4C: kernel panic.
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Temptation is just Opportunity knocking a little louder!
That’s the trouble with feeling like you’re on top of the world. It’s a sure sign that you and it are about to change places soon…
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The average lifespan of electronic devices is between zero and infinity, or 2 days after the warranty runs out, whichever comes first.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
The eighth deadly sin in programming is to use numbers for objects that are not numbers.
The eleventh deadly sin in programming is to rate the beauty of mathematics above the usability of your software.
The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The fifth deadly sin in programming is to treat error diagnosis as an afterthought.
The first deadly sin in programming is to code before you think.
the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale
The fourth deadly sin in programming is to ignore language standards.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it.
The great thing about pessimism is that you are either ‘right as usual’ or ‘pleasantly surprised’.
The hardest things to do in this world are the right ones.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The human spirit is a hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.
The important things are always simple; the simple things are always hard.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
The knack to flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the oncoming train.
The mind is like a TV set – when it goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
The ninth deadly sin in programming is to pretend you are catering for everyone at the same time.
The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything
The only intuitive user interface is the nipple.
The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only true handicap is a bad attitude.
The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The past is almost as mysterious as the future.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
The second deadly sin in programming is to assume the user has all the knowledge the software writer has.
The second myth of management is that they manage.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
The seventh deadly sin in programming is to make the encoding of the software dependent on its data formats.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sixth deadly sin in programming is to equate the unlikely with the impossible.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The stars are matter, we’re matter, it doesn’t matter.
The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. The Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent US directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
The tenth deadly sin in programming is to have no strategy for processing break-ins.
The third deadly sin in programming is not to write proper documentation.
The thirteenth deadly sin in programming is to leave users to find the errors in your software.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
The twelfth deadly sin in programming is to let any error go undetected.
The Vulcan Neck Pinch isn’t half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it is more politically correct!
There are 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary, and those that do not.
There are 2 secrets to ultimate success: 1) Never tell everything you know.
There are no known cases of cannibals eating clowns. Is it because they taste funny?
There Are No Stupid Questions, But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots.
There are three things I always forget – names, faces and… the third I can’t remember.
There are three types of people; – Those who make things happen, – those who watch what happens – and those who wonder what happened.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two types of people in the world, those who annoy me and those I have not yet met.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There can’t be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
There IS someone for everyone…even if you need a pickaxe, compass and night goggles to find them.
There is to be no happy laughing in the lair of…hey! put my photo album down!
There’s a thin person inside me just screaming to get out. Serves him right, though. Shouldn’t have stood so close to the buffet.
There’s no need to worry, I have the memory of a… a…what’s that thing called?
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
They can’t fire me, slaves have to be sold.
They say faith can move mountains; experience shows dynamite works better.
They say suffering brings wisdom. I say prepare to have enlightenment beaten into your bitch-ass.
This could be seen as a bug or a feature… how Microsoft do you feel today?
THIS QUOTE INTENTIONALLY BLANK – what a waste of space :).
This web-site may contain nuts. Or is it just a nut that writes it, I can never remember.
Through sheer random chance, my employer may someday agree with something I say.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To a computer user, there’s no place like 127.0.0.1.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.
True science teaches, above all, to doubt and to be ignorant.
Turnaucka’s Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Unix is user-friendly. It’s just very selective about who its friends are.
US Army definition of Man Portable: ‘It’s got a strap on it.’
User has insufficient intelligence to complete this task, please insert a new user.
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
War is a profanity because, let’s face it, you’ve got two opposing sides trying to settle their differences by killing as many of each other as they can.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Watson’s Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things get worse.
We are Micro$oft, computing as you know it has come to an end. Your software will be adapted to service the collective. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.
We live with ourselves, we die with ourselves and the choices we make, not with what other people think.
We struck down the enemy with the hammer of teamwork and the shield of not bickering.
What does it bode for civilisation as we know it when even the transvestites start wearing sensible shoes?
What happens if you install windows 98 on a system with 2 processors? It crashes twice.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin
What is, is. Do not debate its merit or that it should not be. Accept it as truth and place your energy in discovering other truths.
When asked what he thought about Western Civilization, Ghandi quipped, ‘I think it would be a good idea’.
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When you do not fear death, it’s spectre no longer holds power over you. Without such weight upon your shoulders, you become free to live at last.
When you own Llamas… spit happens.
When your budgie sees you reading the newspaper, does it wonder why you’re sitting there staring at carpeting?
Whenever an eminent scientist says a thing is impossible, it immediately becomes inevitable.
Where do your socks go when you put them in the washing machine?
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Fakes!
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why doesn’t DOS ever say ‘EXCELLENT command or filename!’
Why is a Failed marriage like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at the start, then you lose your house!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why is it that brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why is it when we talk to God it’s called praying, but when God talks to us it’s called paranoid schizophrenia?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why live in the world, when you can live in your head?
Windows 95: 32 bit add-on for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit OS coded for a 4 bit CPU, by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.
Wise men always have something to say. Stupid men will always have to say something.
With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows 95, we took a big step forward.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Yeah, and if progress depended on the average management committee, we’d still be living in caves.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You can’t be late until you show up.
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for this change to take effect.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You’re starting to sound reasonable, I’ll have to increase my dose of medication.
Youth is wasted upon the young…all that energy and no experience :).
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